Monday, December 22, 2008

Frustrated..

I'm really frustrated tonight. I started putting pictures on my grandparent's digital photo frame that we are giving them for Christmas.. I found pictures from 2005 when mom, maggie and I went to Georgia on Vacation. We had such a good time. I wish I could go back in time and start over. I look at my mom now and she can hardly talk, she can't walk on her own, she can hardly stand, and she is miserable. She is in pain when she sleeps because her hip bone throbs if she lays on it to long. She can't lay on her back and she is uncomfortable on her other side. Both her and my grandma are loosing weigh. I wish I could give them a few of my pounds and I could lose some weight..
Grandma use to be 120 and is now down to 97.
Mom not really sure, but I would guess she is in the 115 range, and tonight when I was putting lotion on her back I could see her ribs jutting out. I try to put on a brave face, but inside all I want to do is scream. I don't know what to do. Know come January I have internship and I will hardly be home at all. My grandma can't do many of the things I do to help my mom up. Grandma is also very forgetful and very stubborn. She is really against using the Hoyer Lift that could help get mom up.. Aghhhh just not sure what to do...

All these things are racing through my mind. Is she going to waste away in bed when I am not around. Meaning she is going to get weaker and weaker, to the point when I move home she won't have any power to do anything. Do we have to hire someone when/if I get a job so she is not alone and they can help her? In a year or two will she not be able to get up at all or worse than that? Do we keep the house, or do something different.

I've cried silently as I sat on the computer listening to mom moan in her sleep. Then I want to kick myself at 2am when she calls me to help her move around because as soon as I wake up I think gosh all I want is a good night sleep.

Every night this week I've talked to God before I've gone to bed. I've told that I am thankful for everything he has provided for me and that I am extremely lucky and blessed to have had the opportunities I have had. There are so many things that I would give back if only my mom was feeling better. I already lost one parent at 18, I can't lose my other one just yet.. I feel so lost and scared right now....

3 comments:

TxScrapAddict said...

Heather....my Mom went through this. I feel your pain. You need to investigate home healthcare services. Medicare provides a lot of stuff. My Dad got it for my Mom. She had the lifts, the wheel chairs, PT at home, nurses coming in to tend her. Check into it, I'll say prayers for you too. God Bless.

Rox-Ann said...

{{{Hugs}}}sounds like you could use them Vicki is right check with home healthcare service or better yet check with Hospice to as they help many people stay in their home with daily visits and they are the sweetest people out there, donating their time and caring for people with love. We had hospice help with my DH Mom and they were a blessing. Its could for you to share your feeling cause you know once you give it away (share) it does seem to get better. Just don't stop sharing you have alot of people that love you and would be right there to help you out.

Suzanne said...

If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here